I haven’t really written about my experiences in life, and I don’t particularly plan on going into too much depth about the things I have experienced in my little life on the internet (yet). But I thought I’d write a little bit about my fight to overcome, and use these experiences for something better. To create a better version of myself, and a better life for myself.
My favourite book is one called It’s Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini. It’s the story of a depressed teenage boy, and his experiences entering a psychiatric ward and seeking help when he thought he had no way out. In the book, Craig says that he wishes he had a reason for feeling so depressed. This resonated with me, because as a teenager all I wanted was a reason not to feel so low. In fact, I was sick of being dished out thousands of reasons to feel so low, all of the time.
There is a part of the movie version where Craig is in therapy, and the Doctor gives him an example of quote from a prayer. Now, I am not a religious person, but helped me see things differently and since then this has been something I think about when I’m facing a particularly hard situation in life.
These words have got me through a hell of a lot, and helped me to reflect on things that I have faced. This book wasn’t a lightbulb moment, but it contributed to helping me see things differently.
I realise that a lot of the situations I have experienced, or have found myself in are out of my control. Rather than try my hardest to change things, change people, make people realise the error of their ways, run myself into the ground living in the past and feeling all of the experiences over and over again, I began to accept things.
I am unable to change my past, but I accept things for what they are.
Now, I limit my expectations, I refuse to give people the opportunity to build me up and let me down. It’s almost a defence mechanism, I guess.
But it has worked for me, (alongside years of anger management) and I have been able to let go and accept of a lot of pain, anguish and hurt that haunted me for years.
I’m not saying that this is a fool proof plan that works for me one hundred percent of the time, I still face struggles, I still have the night terrors, and I still have to remind myself of where I am, how bloody hard I worked to get here and where I could be in years to come, when something happens.
For me it is a conscious decision, I have to constantly remind myself of these things.
I have to pick out each individual positive I can find from a situation, and use it to see things differently. It is extremely difficult, and quite frequently it doesn’t work. Sometimes I can’t see a way out, or I can’t figure out how to handle something, and that’s okay. I know that eventually I will always manage to overcome the hurdle.
I refuse to let the decisions of others determine how I feel, or how my life pans out.
At the end of the book, Craig decides to ditch all the superficial goals that society forces on people and to just live.
This is something I have only just managed to do, as you’ll know if you read my previous post about what I am going to do now.
I have come to the conclusion that life is for living, and that’s what I plan to do.
Having the most supportive husband helps. I genuinely do not know how I would have got through the last four years if I didn’t have Steven by my side, supporting my every decision, and helping me to reach my potential.